58. The Vicious Circle

I apologies now, it's 2:30am, I'm tired but can't sleep so hopefully this all makes sense!

I'm Feeling stuck, Stuck in a rut.

Feeling overwhelmed by everything that need doing but I'm at a point where instead of getting on and doing it, I do nothing and I hate myself for it.

My energy levels are at zero and all I want to do is go for a walk. But again, I don't.

I don't know how to pace myself, it seems to be all or nothing and then I get burnt out. And with my energy levels so low that happens very quickly.

My pain levels are also at a high.

Just walking down town and back the other day nearly brought me to tears. It's not tears of pain, it's more tears of frustration.

I know I'm no spring chicken anymore, but my body hates me. More than it should at 40 years old.

In my head I'm still 29 and want to be able to go out, do anything and go anywhere. But I can't, I have to plan what I want to do so I don't over do it. I just don't feel like me anymore.

I've been wanting to get my XR2 finished for months now. I worked on it for a few hours a couple weeks back, and it took me a week to get over it. So it puts me off doing anything at all.

Curling up on the sofa or in bed watching TV is safe. I know it won't tired me out and I don't have to recover from it. But, there's that guilt and frustration of not doing anything...

So starts that vicious circle.

I need to break the cycle, I need to boost my energy. I need to get my fat arse moving. But I'm actually afraid to do it. Afraid of the aftermath.

I booked myself in for aquafit last week, got home from work and the dizzy spells started. That's my body going into anxious mode. I'm not worried about going, I'm not really sure why I felt like that. But I bottled out of going in the end.

I've been so frustrated with myself I'm trying to understand what is going on. I keep seeing videos on Instagram of peri/menopause and ADHD symptoms, and they all sound like what I'm going through. To the point that I put it all on a spreadsheet (I know, I'm a geek!) to highlight all the different symptoms across them, and Fibromyalgia. There is so much cross over its difficult to tell what is what. But I know its more than just Fibro now.

On International Women's day my work put on a video of Lisa Snowdon talking about her menopause symptoms. There was one that really spoke to me... is not feeling yourself/knowing who you are.

It was an eye opener knowing this might be a normal symptom.

Here's the link if you want to watch the interview.

https://youtu.be/UGBgMqMtwGU

I have an appointment with the menopause clinic in April, so I'm hoping that will be able to help. Otherwise, it's another fight to see a doctor again.

Talking of appointments, I have my annual mammogram next Friday, that year has gone by quickly!! I will let you know how I get on.

Anyway, I'm on holiday next week. Our Mum is taking me and my sister away for a surprise holiday. No idea where we are going yet, so that'll be interesting come Monday! It'll be nice to have a break.

Right, mind dump over!

🙂