59. Pain and Peri-menopause

I havent written a post since March. It's not that I havent had a lot going on, its the complete opposite.

My mind seems to be on overdrive most of the time, but if someone was to ask what i'm thinking about I couldnt actually tell you! Most of the time its all the small things, like what to make for dinner, what jobs need doing at home, and now this time of year, Christmas (The other bad C word!)

I like Christmas, but since my early 20's its never been quite the same feeling as when I was a kid. I suffered my first bout of depression in a December and I think it just rears its ugly head about this time every year now. Especially when things arent going great.

Its been nearly 3 years since I found my lump. Most of the time I don't even think about it, but when I least expect it, it stares me in that face and keeps me awake at night, hence why I'm awake now writing this.

I dont really like to admit it, but my life has changed since treatment. I don't feel myself anymore and its a daily struggle.

The fatigue and pain, mainly the coccyx pain, is infuriating. I've taken an extra day off work during the week at the moment to try and help my fatigue. As of yet, I'm not sure if its working, as it takes me out of my routine but does allow me to rest.

In a few weeks I have an appointment with Orthopaedics to look at my coccyx, which I'm hoping they will be able to treat. My last doctors appointment I attended for my pain, was useless. I was there in tears due to the amount of pain, no examination was done, just more anti-depressants given to me.

These have only just been increased due to my peri-menopause symptoms, so i'm now on the max dose. 4 weeks in and I haven't noticed much difference.

It's hard to tell now if some of my symptoms are from post cancer treatment, the peri-menopause or my Fibro/CFS...its probably just a combination of all three.

I have a plan in my head to improve things, I just have to find the motivation to do them. The main one is going to the gym regularly. I'm meditating every day and trying to keep a good bedtime routine.

I've also been looking into trauma responses and survival mode. I'm interested to find out more about the causes of Fibromyalgia and most information mentions trauma, so if I can get to the bottom of mine, I might be able to have the right tools to fight it.

This may sound over dramatic, but it feels like I'm currently on a knife's edge of positivity and falling off a cliff of despair, however I am still wanting to fight.

Winter months just make it that little bit harder to do, but at least there is chocolate!

Merry Christmas one and all....