9. Results day

6th January 2021, a week before my birthday. It was the only time I was allowed someone else come with me to the hospital. So Dan came with me, I thought we could grab a maccies breakfast after the appointment.

We sat in the hallway waiting on chairs 2 meters apart. Miss Naseem wasn’t available that day so I spoke to a different Specialist (cant remember her name!). Again the appointments were running a bit late, so we sat chatting. I just wanted to get it over and done with, I hate waiting!!

We were both called into a small dimly lit room, the specialist and a breast care nurse came in and sat with us.

I could tell by their body language what the results was, just waiting to hear the words.

“We have found something, and unfortunately it is cancer”

Running through my head was, ok, what now, what’s the next plan of action. The nurse leaned over to me and asked if I wanted a tissue.

I wasn’t crying, should I be crying!? How should I feel right now? Should I be devastated, should I be balling my eyes out, should I be hugging Dan and crying into his chest???

I politely took a tissue and said thanks. I just sat there playing with it rolling in between my hands while the specialist explained what exactly they found. All I heard was cancer and that’s really all I took in that day. I wasn’t worried, I just wanted to know what happens next.

They talked about needing chemo and that I will lose my hair, my response to that was “Yes, I get to shave my head, I've always wanted to do that!” I don’t think they were expecting me to be so positive about it!

So the conversation went on about chemo, surgery, radiotherapy and if I wanted to take part in a Trial.

https://www.cancerresearchuk.org/about-cancer/find-a-clinical-trial/a-trial-looking-at-2-new-tests-to-help-select-chemotherapy-before-surgery-for-breast-cancer-rosco#undefined

The trial doesn’t mean you get any less treatment or drugs, in fact you are looked after more. You have extra checks on your heart, you have another support team and extra checks at the end of the treatment.

As I always like to be helpful I opted for the trial. So once the specialist had finished chatting about next treatment steps, Jo from the Trial team came in to chat to me.

She ran through all the details and gave me some information to take away to think about and she would ring me in a week for my answer. The biggest thing would be how many cycles of chemo you would have. Without being on the trial you would have 6 cycles of chemo then surgery. On the trial is would be 4 cycles, surgery and then if needed another 4 cycles (which they explained that 99% of the time I would need the last 4 cycles). I could exit the trial at any time, so to me there was nothing to lose by going on it.

Information overload!!

Time for breakfast.

I know my family would be waiting on tenterhooks to hear the results, but I needed a minute (and some food) to take it all in myself.

We got our Maccies and sat in the car in Morrisons car park to eat it. Both of us not quite sure what to say or do, but we both knew we could get through this.

I did have to ask Dan if he would stay with me through this and if he will still like me with no hair! Of course he said yes! I did have to tell him something I had been planning. I was organising a surprised trip to New Zealand for his 40th in 2022 and I was going to tell him on his birthday at the end of January. But that’s now out the window!

We got home and I messaged work to say I won’t be in the rest of the day, which they completely understood.

I then sat upstairs in the bedroom and started making the calls. I felt so nervous, hard to explain why. I think it must be the fear of upsetting my family and putting extra worry on their plates.

All the calls done, still no tears.

Later in the evening a friend messaged me, I haven’t caught up with her in a while. We were messaging back and forth for a bit and I thought to myself, I need to tell her. I have to start telling people, I don’t want it to be a secret and there isn’t anything to be ashamed of. So I did it. I told her I’d been to the hospital today for results of a lump I found before Christmas.

I didn’t hear back from her right away, for her that’s normal! A few hours past and she messaged back, apologetic and very supportive. She also said she had dropped something off for me. She has sneakily dropped off flowers and chocolate for meat my door….The tears started flowing!

Being told I have cancer didn’t even make my eyes well up, but a small gesture of flowers and chocolates made my heart explode. The kindness made me cry with happiness. I ended up being teary most the evening then! But at least I had chocolate for comfort!

6th January 2021…the day 2021 became as crap as 2020.